Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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