I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
