you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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