cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
