why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
