God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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