Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
