there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
