dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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