allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
