note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
