i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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