Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
