You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
