I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
