i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
