The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
