Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
