theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
