My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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