i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
