So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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