my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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