Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
