New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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