I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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