I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're a waste of cheezeits
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
