i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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