I molested 6 butterflies tonight
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
