I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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