kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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