At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize