I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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