oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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