I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
