dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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