Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
