The maid of honor just puked.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
