i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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