I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
