you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
