My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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