Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You pole danced in your parka.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
