this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
