My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
