Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
