I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
