Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
