I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
