He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
