Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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