I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
