Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he thought i was a dude.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
