I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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