So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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