Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
