Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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