Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize