and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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